Over the past several months, Amel and I have been creating a web site - www.beansmama.com. Amel has been building the actual site, while I have been working on content. The purpose of beansmama.com is to be a tool for parents-to-be and new parents. It is basically our journey through parenthood, so of course we will always have new content to add. We hope perspective parents and parents of young children will be able to use our product reviews, find answers to parenting questions, find support and connect to other parents, and locate resources all in one spot rather than spend hours searching for products and resources.
Beansmama.com is certainly a work in progress. We still need to proofread content that we have already published, add more details to the content we already have and add much much more! We hope this site that we are putting so much into will be helpful to many and possibly become a family business for us.
Of course, my friends who are moms are seasoned veterans, but I'd love for friends to share our site with others and help us get the word out. If you have suggestions for product reviews or parenting topics, or want to share parenting resources, I'd love to hear them.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
The Bean At 28 Months
Right now we are in the midst of the terrible and terrific twos. As far as the terrible twos go, Bean has decided that everything everywhere we go is his. The last month he has started saying "mine" quite a lot. We went to the Mesa Museum for Youth last week. Bean decided he would like to try grabbing toys from other kids and (very gently) swatting at them if they resisted. When we go to the park, he likes to take other kids toys, especially if they are playing with trucks, but he is not happy if someone wants his toys. When he was younger, I was a little worried that he would get walked on by other children, as he would cry like his heart was broken if another baby took something away from. It was heart breaking for me too. I think he is making up for that now! He is still pretty gentle, but is testing the waters from time to time just like a two year old is supposed to do. We are practicing saying "may I have it please" quite a lot and see some progress. Two weeks ago at the library he grabbed a book from another boy who of course cried. Poor Bean has been talking about it since then saying "I take that book from that boy. He is upset." He says it in a way that makes me think he feels badly about the incident and is going over it again and again. I have learned a lot about brain development since Bean was born. Toddlers brains are not developed enough for them to think and then act. As parents, we may think we have told them over and over again not to do something and they know better, however their impulses are so strong they act immediately. I understand he is not purposely doing things he knows he shouldn't, this stage just requires an extra dose of patience. I am glad I have the opportunity to guide and teach my son. Being a mom is really an awesome experience, even in the midst of being tired, exhausted and running low on patience.
As for the terrific side of the twos, I am amazed by my son everyday. We are having simple little conversations now. He is quite a chatter box. They say our brains are not developed enough to have conscious memory of events until around 2 1/2 years old. I am curious what memories Bean will recall as his first memories when he is an adult. His memory is like a steel trap! He talks about things that happened before he was speaking, for example he remembers when we went to the hospital due to a mosquito bite that turned into a staph infection and he had to get an antibiotic shot. Last night he reminded me which leg he had the infection in. We have some Sesame Street story books that have a music player that goes along with them. We have been reading and singing these songs before bed. Bean sings the songs during the day and remembers the words, which I often do not.
Some other things I want to remember about 28 months -
Bean's naps have been very random since we had company over the holidays. There is a 50/50 chance he will take a nap. He still needs a nap, but he doesn't want to miss anything and often won't sleep (he has been that way since he was a newborn). I am trying to let go of the frustration I feel when he won't nap. I could definitely use a little time to myself during the day for sanity time and to clean or exercise.
He still eats mainly pureed food. It seems he is more particular than ever. He will eat fish sticks and sun butter and honey sandwiches now. I am looking for recipes that combine veggies and protein into some sort of cake or muffin that I can get him to eat. As for now, we continue to buy baby food to get him to eat veggies, fruit and protein.
Bean still likes Sesame Street, but trucks and big machines are his true love. We spend a lot of time at the construction site in our neighborhood where there is a school being built. Playing with trucks in the sand is a favorite activity. Bob the Builder is still Bean's favorite show, although he is adding some variety, like Super Why and Thomas the Train. He loves to climb and talks daily about how he wants to climb a ladder. He likes to wear oven mits, gloves, or even socks on his hands. These are his work gloves. He has been carrying pillows from one room to another saying he is "working hard." He also likes to kick/throw any kind of ball.
Bean has learned how to hold up two fingers to represent two objects. It was really cute watching him get the hang of that. He is doing well with understanding quantities up to about 5.
The Bean and I spent a fun day at Desert Breeze park today. We road the train and the carousel, played on the equipment, dug in the sand and had a picnic lunch. Although it was a typical day, these moments and memories are very special and I am tucking them away in my heart.
As for the terrific side of the twos, I am amazed by my son everyday. We are having simple little conversations now. He is quite a chatter box. They say our brains are not developed enough to have conscious memory of events until around 2 1/2 years old. I am curious what memories Bean will recall as his first memories when he is an adult. His memory is like a steel trap! He talks about things that happened before he was speaking, for example he remembers when we went to the hospital due to a mosquito bite that turned into a staph infection and he had to get an antibiotic shot. Last night he reminded me which leg he had the infection in. We have some Sesame Street story books that have a music player that goes along with them. We have been reading and singing these songs before bed. Bean sings the songs during the day and remembers the words, which I often do not.
Some other things I want to remember about 28 months -
Bean's naps have been very random since we had company over the holidays. There is a 50/50 chance he will take a nap. He still needs a nap, but he doesn't want to miss anything and often won't sleep (he has been that way since he was a newborn). I am trying to let go of the frustration I feel when he won't nap. I could definitely use a little time to myself during the day for sanity time and to clean or exercise.
He still eats mainly pureed food. It seems he is more particular than ever. He will eat fish sticks and sun butter and honey sandwiches now. I am looking for recipes that combine veggies and protein into some sort of cake or muffin that I can get him to eat. As for now, we continue to buy baby food to get him to eat veggies, fruit and protein.
Bean still likes Sesame Street, but trucks and big machines are his true love. We spend a lot of time at the construction site in our neighborhood where there is a school being built. Playing with trucks in the sand is a favorite activity. Bob the Builder is still Bean's favorite show, although he is adding some variety, like Super Why and Thomas the Train. He loves to climb and talks daily about how he wants to climb a ladder. He likes to wear oven mits, gloves, or even socks on his hands. These are his work gloves. He has been carrying pillows from one room to another saying he is "working hard." He also likes to kick/throw any kind of ball.
Bean has learned how to hold up two fingers to represent two objects. It was really cute watching him get the hang of that. He is doing well with understanding quantities up to about 5.
The Bean and I spent a fun day at Desert Breeze park today. We road the train and the carousel, played on the equipment, dug in the sand and had a picnic lunch. Although it was a typical day, these moments and memories are very special and I am tucking them away in my heart.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
The Bean at 2 and 1/4 years
January 27, 2013
Squeeze packets of Happy Baby organic mangoes are the main staple of Bean's diet. He eats, or rather sucks down four packets a day on average. Amel says he is eating away his college money... He gets in his Little Tykes car and says he is going to Tarte (Target) to buy mamos. He has always called them mamos, but last night he clearly said mangoes and there is no going back. I had to hold back my tears! Yes, I want him to progress and I know he will eventually say everything clearly, but I will miss these days. Babies grow up too fast!
For the record, Bean still eats mainly purees. We are spending about $200 a month on his food. From 6 months to 12 months I made all his baby food. For awhile he would eat what we were eating as long as I pureed it. Of course, Amel had to take him in the bathroom while I ran the food processor because he was terrified of the loud noise. Actually he still is, but now I tell him I am going to turn it on and he says, "I go to bahroom," and takes himself in there.
Unfortunately, he became very picky and will eat only certain store bought meals. I tried to recreate these meals myself to save some money, but it was not cost effective. I do make a couple of meals that he will eat. He loves sweet potato dahl and I can usually get him to eat split pea soup. Every night I offer him what we are eating and he typically refuses. Then I offer him two choices from food packets or jars to choose from. I do look forward to the day when he will eat what we are eating! Apparently Amel didn't eat regular food until he was four...
I recently introduced Bean to Bob the Builder. We watch episodes on Netflix. Bob the Builder has actually replaced Sesame Street. He still loves Elmo, Super Grover and the gang, but he is very excited about Bob Builder. He loves to dance to the opening song.
Bean is very into playing with trucks, He has two large dump trucks, a back hoe, a skid loader and several small trucks. He has a little man that fits in the larger trucks. We started off calling him "driver man," but Bean looked at him and said "what you name?" and named him "Shirt." Grandpa Baker has a real skid loader that Bean is looking forward to riding this summer when we go to visit. He often pretends Grandpa is driving one of his trucks and drinking coffee. For Christmas, a dear friend bought Bean some truck board books. I can not tell you how many times a day we read these books. The Bean can tell you the name of just about any large machine.
Still not really interested in potty training. We may get serious about it in April when he is two and a half. I really don't want to push it until he's ready, but hope he is potty trained by the time he is three!
Bean is learning letters and sounds and counts to 19, although he doesn't always count in order, he can and does occasionally. I am not pushing these things either, but certainly don't discourage it. I think he learns the most from playing right now.
The last three nights my child actually slept through the night! I don't want to get too excited about, as I know it is most likely random, but at least we have some hope that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, as far as sleep issues go. The Bean is still nursing at nap time, bedtime, and in the morning. I don't see a reason to rush him to stop nursing. I hope I can let him nurse until he chooses to be done, although I think around three years old, I may reconsider this. If we choose to continue with fertility treatments that might be decided for us, but we will see. One day at a time.
Bean is quite a persistent fellow and rather ingenious. If he sees something he wants or something I think I have put out of his reach, he drags his little Elmo chair to where the desired object is and gets it for himself.
He is into everything, makes messes faster than I can pick them up, whines quite a lot, wants to do everything himself and in his own time, but he is a real joy and such a sweet boy. I have heard many people say our children choose us. Maybe that is true. As I rock him to sleep at night, I often think it is I who need him, not the other way around.
Squeeze packets of Happy Baby organic mangoes are the main staple of Bean's diet. He eats, or rather sucks down four packets a day on average. Amel says he is eating away his college money... He gets in his Little Tykes car and says he is going to Tarte (Target) to buy mamos. He has always called them mamos, but last night he clearly said mangoes and there is no going back. I had to hold back my tears! Yes, I want him to progress and I know he will eventually say everything clearly, but I will miss these days. Babies grow up too fast!
For the record, Bean still eats mainly purees. We are spending about $200 a month on his food. From 6 months to 12 months I made all his baby food. For awhile he would eat what we were eating as long as I pureed it. Of course, Amel had to take him in the bathroom while I ran the food processor because he was terrified of the loud noise. Actually he still is, but now I tell him I am going to turn it on and he says, "I go to bahroom," and takes himself in there.
Unfortunately, he became very picky and will eat only certain store bought meals. I tried to recreate these meals myself to save some money, but it was not cost effective. I do make a couple of meals that he will eat. He loves sweet potato dahl and I can usually get him to eat split pea soup. Every night I offer him what we are eating and he typically refuses. Then I offer him two choices from food packets or jars to choose from. I do look forward to the day when he will eat what we are eating! Apparently Amel didn't eat regular food until he was four...
I recently introduced Bean to Bob the Builder. We watch episodes on Netflix. Bob the Builder has actually replaced Sesame Street. He still loves Elmo, Super Grover and the gang, but he is very excited about Bob Builder. He loves to dance to the opening song.
Bean is very into playing with trucks, He has two large dump trucks, a back hoe, a skid loader and several small trucks. He has a little man that fits in the larger trucks. We started off calling him "driver man," but Bean looked at him and said "what you name?" and named him "Shirt." Grandpa Baker has a real skid loader that Bean is looking forward to riding this summer when we go to visit. He often pretends Grandpa is driving one of his trucks and drinking coffee. For Christmas, a dear friend bought Bean some truck board books. I can not tell you how many times a day we read these books. The Bean can tell you the name of just about any large machine.
Still not really interested in potty training. We may get serious about it in April when he is two and a half. I really don't want to push it until he's ready, but hope he is potty trained by the time he is three!
Bean is learning letters and sounds and counts to 19, although he doesn't always count in order, he can and does occasionally. I am not pushing these things either, but certainly don't discourage it. I think he learns the most from playing right now.
The last three nights my child actually slept through the night! I don't want to get too excited about, as I know it is most likely random, but at least we have some hope that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, as far as sleep issues go. The Bean is still nursing at nap time, bedtime, and in the morning. I don't see a reason to rush him to stop nursing. I hope I can let him nurse until he chooses to be done, although I think around three years old, I may reconsider this. If we choose to continue with fertility treatments that might be decided for us, but we will see. One day at a time.
Bean is quite a persistent fellow and rather ingenious. If he sees something he wants or something I think I have put out of his reach, he drags his little Elmo chair to where the desired object is and gets it for himself.
He is into everything, makes messes faster than I can pick them up, whines quite a lot, wants to do everything himself and in his own time, but he is a real joy and such a sweet boy. I have heard many people say our children choose us. Maybe that is true. As I rock him to sleep at night, I often think it is I who need him, not the other way around.
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| My little surfer dude |
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| Bean's first painting 11/30/12 |
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| this is hard to comb out, but sooo cute! |
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Holidays 2012
This year we had a low key Thanksgiving, which was really nice. Sometimes I am amazed at how busy we seem to get. It is good to slow down once in awhile and just chill without much on the schedule. That is what we did over Thanksgiving. We are usually meat free in our house, but had roasted leg of lamb along with the traditional Thanksgiving goodies. Amel, Bean and I spent a nice day at home with a tasty meal. The Bean's Thanksgiving plate went untouched of course, as he will still only eat pureed fruits, veggies and proteins. He does love to eat sweets of any kind, chips, crackers, and occasionally bread sigh...
Amel's mom, Goga (None) and her husband Josko (Nono) came to visit us on December 11. We took a trip up to the Grand Canyon. This was the Bean's first experience with snow. While in the car he said, "I want to touch that snow," and "I am so excited about that snow." However, when we got to the hotel and opened the door he rushed us to get his coat on and said "I don't like it!" We never did touch the snow. He wouldn't even walk on it! He did enjoy wearing gloves though. My favorite part of the trip was asking Bean "Do you see the snow?" and him replying "Yeah, and a see penguin over there." Bean decided the train around the tree in the lobby was his and spent a lot of time playing with it. The hotel had a cozy feel with a fire place and Christmas decorations, however don't expect to find good quality food when visiting the Grand Canyon. On the way back we spent a few hours in Flagstaff; what a great little town!
We got to spend Christmas and New Year's with None and Nono, along with Auntie Aida, who also came to visit for a week. We had some delicious Bosnian food (Pita, Bamia, Crepes, and to name a few) in the company of good friends on Christmas Eve. Our good friends, Chris, Yvette, and Noemi joined us for dinner and an evening of conversation. We continued our tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve. Christmas day we relaxed at home in the morning and got to enjoy seeing the Bean get his "big dump truck" that he was super excited about. He is still talking about how Santa brought him a big dump truck and loves to scoop "dirt" into it and dump it. I was so excited waiting to see the Bean open his gifts I had trouble sleeping. We had an amazing Christmas dinner with our friends Nadar and Diane. We are really blessed to have such good friends. There was so much food we had leftovers for a week.
We spent four days, including New Year's Eve and day in Las Vegas. Aida treated us to a hotel room. I think the family enjoyed their time in Las Vegas. Bean was impressed with the lights and was fascinated with the painted sky in the Venetian. I wish I had a video of his face when he looked up. He enjoyed watching the live performances in the casino. He also really liked the Gondolas. I assume he doesn't remember seeing the real Venice last summer. Amel and I spent New Year's Eve in the hotel room watching the recording of the ball dropping in New York while the Bean slept. At 11:30 pm, we decided it was New Year's in AZ and we could go to sleep!
We wish all our friends and family a very happy and healthy 2013 and look forward to what the new year brings! I think it is going to be a great year!
Amel's mom, Goga (None) and her husband Josko (Nono) came to visit us on December 11. We took a trip up to the Grand Canyon. This was the Bean's first experience with snow. While in the car he said, "I want to touch that snow," and "I am so excited about that snow." However, when we got to the hotel and opened the door he rushed us to get his coat on and said "I don't like it!" We never did touch the snow. He wouldn't even walk on it! He did enjoy wearing gloves though. My favorite part of the trip was asking Bean "Do you see the snow?" and him replying "Yeah, and a see penguin over there." Bean decided the train around the tree in the lobby was his and spent a lot of time playing with it. The hotel had a cozy feel with a fire place and Christmas decorations, however don't expect to find good quality food when visiting the Grand Canyon. On the way back we spent a few hours in Flagstaff; what a great little town!
We got to spend Christmas and New Year's with None and Nono, along with Auntie Aida, who also came to visit for a week. We had some delicious Bosnian food (Pita, Bamia, Crepes, and to name a few) in the company of good friends on Christmas Eve. Our good friends, Chris, Yvette, and Noemi joined us for dinner and an evening of conversation. We continued our tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve. Christmas day we relaxed at home in the morning and got to enjoy seeing the Bean get his "big dump truck" that he was super excited about. He is still talking about how Santa brought him a big dump truck and loves to scoop "dirt" into it and dump it. I was so excited waiting to see the Bean open his gifts I had trouble sleeping. We had an amazing Christmas dinner with our friends Nadar and Diane. We are really blessed to have such good friends. There was so much food we had leftovers for a week.
We spent four days, including New Year's Eve and day in Las Vegas. Aida treated us to a hotel room. I think the family enjoyed their time in Las Vegas. Bean was impressed with the lights and was fascinated with the painted sky in the Venetian. I wish I had a video of his face when he looked up. He enjoyed watching the live performances in the casino. He also really liked the Gondolas. I assume he doesn't remember seeing the real Venice last summer. Amel and I spent New Year's Eve in the hotel room watching the recording of the ball dropping in New York while the Bean slept. At 11:30 pm, we decided it was New Year's in AZ and we could go to sleep!
We wish all our friends and family a very happy and healthy 2013 and look forward to what the new year brings! I think it is going to be a great year!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
How To Deal With Infertility?
Dealing with infertility is extremely difficult and stressful experience for any couple. My husband and I were married in 2006. Our plan was to wait a year to have children to adjust to married life and have a little time alone. However, that year turned into four years. Our precious son was born in 2010. We tried for two and a half, almost three years to get pregnant, then decided to seek help from a fertility specialist.
The doctor recommended that I have a laporoscopy, which is a surgery in which he goes in through one's belly button and a couple other points to check out the fallopian tubes and see what's happening. He discovered I had mild endometriosis. Endometriosis is a condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus grow in other areas of the body, such as the fallopian tubes.
The plan was to start fertility treatments the following month. We were going to try iui (intrauterine insemination) to start with. If that didn't work, we would try ivf (in vitro fertilization). Our insurance would cover one shot, so that would be our one chance, as ivf is very expensive. At this stage in our life, we really wanted to have a child, but were also thinking if we didn't get pregnant we would travel more and not need to worry so much about having a large savings. We knew couples that didn't have children that were happy and had good lives. The joke was we were either going to get a baby or a BMW.
Lo and behold, we didn't need to start treatment - We were pregnant the month after the laporoscopy! The research shows that having such a surgery results in pregnancy in 1 out of every 12 couples. Was it the surgery or the fact that there was no pressure? I guess we'll never know, but we were ecstatic!
Pregnancy was rough for me. I was extremely nauseous and vomited the whole time. At one point I remember telling Amel we should have gotten that dog we talked about instead. I said we would be "one and done" because there was no way I was going to go through that again. The sickness, the terrible migraines, the insomnia, ugh. I really wanted to punch people who said things like, "oh it is so worth it."
Pregnancy was no walk in the park, but I was excited to meet our little person, making plans, and wondering what he would be like. I knew he would be incredible and I would love being a mother, but I didn't realize how much a parent loves a child or how they change your life forever for the better. It wasn't very long after he was born before I knew I would do it all over a thousand times if I had to, in order to be his mama. It was so worth it. So much so, that I would love to have another baby.
I was anxiously waiting for my period to return so that we could have number two. I thought maybe we would get pregnant right away, as they say you are most fertile right after having a baby. I was really excited when my period returned when Bean was 18 months old. Who would be excited about that? We tried for six months and no baby. I have imagined Bean playing with a little brother, hearing their laughter, helping them learn to settle their squabbles. A little sister would be ok too. I have imagined doing girly things with a daughter, maybe something like a Justin Beiber concert or spa days.
Unfortunately, it seems that this is all it will be - just imagining the possibilities. We went back to the fertility specialist and went through one round of iui unsuccessfully. I know the chance of getting pregnant with iui at my age is low, but I really expected it to work and thought in a few weeks we would get to announce the Bean would be a big brother. Everywhere I look there are women getting pregnant and delivering babies. I am happy for them from the bottom of my heart, but have some depressing thoughts, like why didn't God want me to have another? We have so much love to share.
At the same time the thought of being pregnant and taking care of a toddler is daunting. I didn't realize how upsetting a negative pregnancy test would be. I thought maybe it would be a relief, but that isn't the case. I feel like I have lost something that was never mine.
I am so grateful for my son. Not having a second child does not take away from that in any way. I love him more than life itself and have wondered how it would be possible to love another child as much, but I know that parents somehow do love each child more than they thought imaginable. I also know that there can be many advantages to having only one child - only paying for one college education, not having to divide time between children, being able to afford for the Bean to explore his interests, take classes, or play expensive sports, being able to be near to him when he has children of his own and not missing out on being near another child that might be in a different part of the world. I know there are advantages, I just feel so sad right now. I know it's not something that will last forever, that I just need to grieve and it will be get better and life will be amazing. That is just not my mood at the moment.
We haven't talked to the doctor about what the next step might be, although I am almost positive he would suggest ivf. I think we have decided against ivf. I felt really emotional going through iui and it is not a super intensive procedure, but it has been an emotional roller coaster of a month for me (us). If we chose to go through ivf, it would be much more intense, a lot more drugs/hormones. I would also have to wean Bean from nursing, which I don't want to do. I know he is over two, but nursing is comforting for him and I want him to have the choice to be done when he is ready (within reason). For a woman my age there is less than a thirty percent chance it would work. I think we have decided, at least for the time being, that we don't want to be on an emotional roller coaster or put the whole family through such an experience.
Of course it is still possible we could miraculously get pregnant, or maybe we will change our mind about ivf, but for now, I will allow myself to grieve and surround myself in the love of my husband and son. I realize there are women out there who have not been able to have any children. I know there are bigger problems in the world, like people going to bed hungry tonight or being in war torn countries. My little issue doesn't compare to any of these, I just need to take a little while to throw myself a pity party and I will move on. I know our life will be fantastic no matter what the future holds. I am excited to watch the Bean grow, learn, and explore and share experiences with him and as a family. I realize I am blessed beyond measure.
I have learned some lessons. In Japanese culture it is considered rude to ask people about their marital status or to ask if they have children, or plan to have more. I understand why now. I'm sure people will ask me when we are having number two and when I say we only have one they will be watching to see if he is "spoiled." Personally, I won't be asking people such questions. Not that I will really be bothered or upset by such questions, but I won't be asking them in the future.
I feel for those who have tried unsuccessfully to have children or who have lost pregnancies. I know my situation is mild compared to many others. One thing I do know, it is important to be grateful, to focus on what you want more of, and to look for the positive and beauty that surrounds us. No matter what 2013 holds, it will be a great year!
The doctor recommended that I have a laporoscopy, which is a surgery in which he goes in through one's belly button and a couple other points to check out the fallopian tubes and see what's happening. He discovered I had mild endometriosis. Endometriosis is a condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus grow in other areas of the body, such as the fallopian tubes.
The plan was to start fertility treatments the following month. We were going to try iui (intrauterine insemination) to start with. If that didn't work, we would try ivf (in vitro fertilization). Our insurance would cover one shot, so that would be our one chance, as ivf is very expensive. At this stage in our life, we really wanted to have a child, but were also thinking if we didn't get pregnant we would travel more and not need to worry so much about having a large savings. We knew couples that didn't have children that were happy and had good lives. The joke was we were either going to get a baby or a BMW.
Lo and behold, we didn't need to start treatment - We were pregnant the month after the laporoscopy! The research shows that having such a surgery results in pregnancy in 1 out of every 12 couples. Was it the surgery or the fact that there was no pressure? I guess we'll never know, but we were ecstatic!
Pregnancy was rough for me. I was extremely nauseous and vomited the whole time. At one point I remember telling Amel we should have gotten that dog we talked about instead. I said we would be "one and done" because there was no way I was going to go through that again. The sickness, the terrible migraines, the insomnia, ugh. I really wanted to punch people who said things like, "oh it is so worth it."
Pregnancy was no walk in the park, but I was excited to meet our little person, making plans, and wondering what he would be like. I knew he would be incredible and I would love being a mother, but I didn't realize how much a parent loves a child or how they change your life forever for the better. It wasn't very long after he was born before I knew I would do it all over a thousand times if I had to, in order to be his mama. It was so worth it. So much so, that I would love to have another baby.
I was anxiously waiting for my period to return so that we could have number two. I thought maybe we would get pregnant right away, as they say you are most fertile right after having a baby. I was really excited when my period returned when Bean was 18 months old. Who would be excited about that? We tried for six months and no baby. I have imagined Bean playing with a little brother, hearing their laughter, helping them learn to settle their squabbles. A little sister would be ok too. I have imagined doing girly things with a daughter, maybe something like a Justin Beiber concert or spa days.
Unfortunately, it seems that this is all it will be - just imagining the possibilities. We went back to the fertility specialist and went through one round of iui unsuccessfully. I know the chance of getting pregnant with iui at my age is low, but I really expected it to work and thought in a few weeks we would get to announce the Bean would be a big brother. Everywhere I look there are women getting pregnant and delivering babies. I am happy for them from the bottom of my heart, but have some depressing thoughts, like why didn't God want me to have another? We have so much love to share.
At the same time the thought of being pregnant and taking care of a toddler is daunting. I didn't realize how upsetting a negative pregnancy test would be. I thought maybe it would be a relief, but that isn't the case. I feel like I have lost something that was never mine.
I am so grateful for my son. Not having a second child does not take away from that in any way. I love him more than life itself and have wondered how it would be possible to love another child as much, but I know that parents somehow do love each child more than they thought imaginable. I also know that there can be many advantages to having only one child - only paying for one college education, not having to divide time between children, being able to afford for the Bean to explore his interests, take classes, or play expensive sports, being able to be near to him when he has children of his own and not missing out on being near another child that might be in a different part of the world. I know there are advantages, I just feel so sad right now. I know it's not something that will last forever, that I just need to grieve and it will be get better and life will be amazing. That is just not my mood at the moment.
We haven't talked to the doctor about what the next step might be, although I am almost positive he would suggest ivf. I think we have decided against ivf. I felt really emotional going through iui and it is not a super intensive procedure, but it has been an emotional roller coaster of a month for me (us). If we chose to go through ivf, it would be much more intense, a lot more drugs/hormones. I would also have to wean Bean from nursing, which I don't want to do. I know he is over two, but nursing is comforting for him and I want him to have the choice to be done when he is ready (within reason). For a woman my age there is less than a thirty percent chance it would work. I think we have decided, at least for the time being, that we don't want to be on an emotional roller coaster or put the whole family through such an experience.
Of course it is still possible we could miraculously get pregnant, or maybe we will change our mind about ivf, but for now, I will allow myself to grieve and surround myself in the love of my husband and son. I realize there are women out there who have not been able to have any children. I know there are bigger problems in the world, like people going to bed hungry tonight or being in war torn countries. My little issue doesn't compare to any of these, I just need to take a little while to throw myself a pity party and I will move on. I know our life will be fantastic no matter what the future holds. I am excited to watch the Bean grow, learn, and explore and share experiences with him and as a family. I realize I am blessed beyond measure.
I have learned some lessons. In Japanese culture it is considered rude to ask people about their marital status or to ask if they have children, or plan to have more. I understand why now. I'm sure people will ask me when we are having number two and when I say we only have one they will be watching to see if he is "spoiled." Personally, I won't be asking people such questions. Not that I will really be bothered or upset by such questions, but I won't be asking them in the future.
I feel for those who have tried unsuccessfully to have children or who have lost pregnancies. I know my situation is mild compared to many others. One thing I do know, it is important to be grateful, to focus on what you want more of, and to look for the positive and beauty that surrounds us. No matter what 2013 holds, it will be a great year!
Monday, November 5, 2012
Halloween 2012
November 5, 2012
Halloween is always fun, but seeing Bean excited about trick-or-treating made it even more so! Last year we carried him to a couple of houses in his penguin costume. This year he was Mickey Mouse (which he affectionately calls Pipi Mouse).
About a month before Halloween, one of the neighborhood kids saw us out for a walk. She ran up and gave me a little pack of Skittles for Bean. He had never had candy before, but I let him have some Skittles. He loved them, especially the yellow ones. I asked him if he wanted to be Mickey for Halloween. He said he did. I explained on Halloween he could wear a Mickey costume, knock on people's doors and say "trick-or-treat" and they would give him candy. For the next four weeks he would tell me "haween, pipi mouse, eat yellow canny, knock doors."
I was a little worried when his costume arrived and he refused to try it on. The day before Halloween we went trick-or-treating at Tata's work. I thought it was really cool that Intel did this for the kids. Bean saw some other kids in costume. We told him he had to wear his in order to get candy. He put it on, rubbed it and said "very nice." He went around collecting candy. He didn't say anything for about an hour. He was so interested in checking out everyone's cubes and picking out candy. He kept picking sweet tarts, which he had never had before, but are now a favorite.
On Halloween, we went to our good friend's Dave and Mitzie's home, along with several other couples. We had a potluck dinner, followed by trick-or-treating. Bean was super cute in his costume as were all the other littles. He was very interested in checking out the decorations and pumpkins around the neighborhood. He lagged behind the group a little so he could check everything out. He is a very curious little fellow. We had a great evening with good friends, good food and lots of candy.
Halloween is always fun, but seeing Bean excited about trick-or-treating made it even more so! Last year we carried him to a couple of houses in his penguin costume. This year he was Mickey Mouse (which he affectionately calls Pipi Mouse).
About a month before Halloween, one of the neighborhood kids saw us out for a walk. She ran up and gave me a little pack of Skittles for Bean. He had never had candy before, but I let him have some Skittles. He loved them, especially the yellow ones. I asked him if he wanted to be Mickey for Halloween. He said he did. I explained on Halloween he could wear a Mickey costume, knock on people's doors and say "trick-or-treat" and they would give him candy. For the next four weeks he would tell me "haween, pipi mouse, eat yellow canny, knock doors."
I was a little worried when his costume arrived and he refused to try it on. The day before Halloween we went trick-or-treating at Tata's work. I thought it was really cool that Intel did this for the kids. Bean saw some other kids in costume. We told him he had to wear his in order to get candy. He put it on, rubbed it and said "very nice." He went around collecting candy. He didn't say anything for about an hour. He was so interested in checking out everyone's cubes and picking out candy. He kept picking sweet tarts, which he had never had before, but are now a favorite.
On Halloween, we went to our good friend's Dave and Mitzie's home, along with several other couples. We had a potluck dinner, followed by trick-or-treating. Bean was super cute in his costume as were all the other littles. He was very interested in checking out the decorations and pumpkins around the neighborhood. He lagged behind the group a little so he could check everything out. He is a very curious little fellow. We had a great evening with good friends, good food and lots of candy.
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| the three of us make a complete costume |
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| Bean and his girlfriends, Chloe and Noemi |
Sunday, October 28, 2012
2nd Birthday Letter to My Son
October 28, 2012
Dear Bean,
Two weeks ago, you turned two years old. What an exciting year it has been! You learned to walk, you can feed yourself (when you want to), your are speaking in simple sentences, and your vocabulary is growing at an amazing rate. Everyday you learn many new words. You repeat just about everything we say.
You are also counting in English and Bosnian. If you want a lot of something you say you want 13, for example, 13 cashews. We are in awe of how much you know, how much you are learning and how well you retain information.
I have loved watching you grow and learn this past year. You are now 34 1/2 inches tall and weigh 26 pounds, still in the 25th percentile. We have not given you a haircut yet, other than a few pieces that were falling in your eyes and bothering you. You get all kinds of compliments on your blond curls.
The past year brought a couple challenges. The biggest being my lack of sleep, followed by trying to get you to eat solid foods. Recently you have had many nights where you sleep from 8:30 or 9:00 pm through the night until 5:00 or 6:00 am. There are still nights where you are up between one and four times a night, but those are becoming less and less.
As far as eating goes, you like pizza, bread with Tata's homemade pesto sauce thinly spread on it, crackers, and anything sweet. You still mainly eat baby food - pureed chicken and vegetable, pureed salmon and veggies, and a lot of mango packets.
Despite these challenges, this has been a wonderful and incredible year! You are such a sweet boy. You love to give hugs and kisses. I am always impressed how you wait your turn to go down the slide when we are at the park or the mall play area. You often say please and thank you.
You are extremely observant. You often see things that we don't until you point them out to us. You like to try new things, although you are cautious and survey the scene before jumping in.
You seem to like things in their place. Getting wet or dirty distresses you. You tell me "big mess, get towel, clean counter." You also love to help clean. Dusting is one of your favorite things.
We have a lot of construction happening in our neighborhood. You love to watch the big trucks working. We spend a great deal of time driving around looking for these trucks and checking them out when the workers are done for the day. Your favorite birthday gifts were a toy backhoe and skid loader. Everyday you tell me "go hio, ride pawpaw kiyoyo (go to Ohio ride grandpa's skid loader). It is so cute to hear you talk.
You also like to say "None airplane." You know that None lives across the ocean and we have to take a plane to visit her. You are an extremely smart boy.
We had your birthday party at Desert Breeze park, where you were excited to ride the train, have balloons, and eat cake. It was a Sesame Street theme, which is one of your favorite things. I think you and your friends had a great time.
There are so many things I could say about what you are doing at this age. Most importantly, I want you to know how much I love you. You have changed our lives forever in the most wonderful way. Everyday you make us laugh and fill our hearts with joy. One of my most favorite moments of the past year was on your birthday. Tata, you and I went for a walk in the evening after your party. After looking at a skid loader parked in the neighborhood and walking quite a ways, you said "uppy Mama." I picked you up, you put your head on my chest, gave me a hug, and said "Bean happy." There is no better feeling than knowing you are happy and healthy. I pray that you are always happy and always find joy in life. Happy 2nd birthday, my beautiful, amazing son. I love you with all my heart.
Mama
Dear Bean,
Two weeks ago, you turned two years old. What an exciting year it has been! You learned to walk, you can feed yourself (when you want to), your are speaking in simple sentences, and your vocabulary is growing at an amazing rate. Everyday you learn many new words. You repeat just about everything we say.
You are also counting in English and Bosnian. If you want a lot of something you say you want 13, for example, 13 cashews. We are in awe of how much you know, how much you are learning and how well you retain information.
I have loved watching you grow and learn this past year. You are now 34 1/2 inches tall and weigh 26 pounds, still in the 25th percentile. We have not given you a haircut yet, other than a few pieces that were falling in your eyes and bothering you. You get all kinds of compliments on your blond curls.
The past year brought a couple challenges. The biggest being my lack of sleep, followed by trying to get you to eat solid foods. Recently you have had many nights where you sleep from 8:30 or 9:00 pm through the night until 5:00 or 6:00 am. There are still nights where you are up between one and four times a night, but those are becoming less and less.
As far as eating goes, you like pizza, bread with Tata's homemade pesto sauce thinly spread on it, crackers, and anything sweet. You still mainly eat baby food - pureed chicken and vegetable, pureed salmon and veggies, and a lot of mango packets.
Despite these challenges, this has been a wonderful and incredible year! You are such a sweet boy. You love to give hugs and kisses. I am always impressed how you wait your turn to go down the slide when we are at the park or the mall play area. You often say please and thank you.
You are extremely observant. You often see things that we don't until you point them out to us. You like to try new things, although you are cautious and survey the scene before jumping in.
You seem to like things in their place. Getting wet or dirty distresses you. You tell me "big mess, get towel, clean counter." You also love to help clean. Dusting is one of your favorite things.
We have a lot of construction happening in our neighborhood. You love to watch the big trucks working. We spend a great deal of time driving around looking for these trucks and checking them out when the workers are done for the day. Your favorite birthday gifts were a toy backhoe and skid loader. Everyday you tell me "go hio, ride pawpaw kiyoyo (go to Ohio ride grandpa's skid loader). It is so cute to hear you talk.
You also like to say "None airplane." You know that None lives across the ocean and we have to take a plane to visit her. You are an extremely smart boy.
We had your birthday party at Desert Breeze park, where you were excited to ride the train, have balloons, and eat cake. It was a Sesame Street theme, which is one of your favorite things. I think you and your friends had a great time.
There are so many things I could say about what you are doing at this age. Most importantly, I want you to know how much I love you. You have changed our lives forever in the most wonderful way. Everyday you make us laugh and fill our hearts with joy. One of my most favorite moments of the past year was on your birthday. Tata, you and I went for a walk in the evening after your party. After looking at a skid loader parked in the neighborhood and walking quite a ways, you said "uppy Mama." I picked you up, you put your head on my chest, gave me a hug, and said "Bean happy." There is no better feeling than knowing you are happy and healthy. I pray that you are always happy and always find joy in life. Happy 2nd birthday, my beautiful, amazing son. I love you with all my heart.
Mama
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