The Bean at 2 and 1/4 years

January 27, 2013

Squeeze packets of Happy Baby organic mangoes are the main staple of Bean's diet. He eats, or rather sucks down four packets a day on average. Amel says he is eating away his college money... He gets in his Little Tykes car and says he is going to Tarte (Target) to buy mamos. He has always called them mamos, but last night he clearly said mangoes and there is no going back. I had to hold back my tears! Yes, I want him to progress and I know he will eventually say everything clearly, but I will miss these days. Babies grow up too fast!

For the record, Bean still eats mainly purees. We are spending about $200 a month on his food. From 6 months to 12 months I made all his baby food. For awhile he would eat what we were eating as long as I pureed it. Of course, Amel had to take him in the bathroom while I ran the food processor because he was terrified of the loud noise. Actually he still is, but now I tell him I am going to turn it on and he says, "I go to bahroom," and takes himself in there.

Unfortunately, he became very picky and will eat only certain store bought meals. I tried to recreate these meals myself to save some money, but it was not cost effective. I do make a couple of meals that he will eat. He loves sweet potato dahl and I can usually get him to eat split pea soup. Every night I offer him what we are eating and he typically refuses. Then I offer him two choices from food packets or jars to choose from. I do look forward to the day when he will eat what we are eating! Apparently Amel didn't eat regular food until he was four...

I recently introduced Bean to Bob the Builder. We watch episodes on Netflix. Bob the Builder has actually replaced Sesame Street. He still loves Elmo, Super Grover and the gang, but he is very excited about Bob Builder. He loves to dance to the opening song.

Bean is very into playing with trucks, He has two large dump trucks, a back hoe, a skid loader and several small trucks. He has a little man that fits in the larger trucks. We started off calling him "driver man," but Bean looked at him and said "what you name?" and named him "Shirt." Grandpa Baker has a real skid loader that Bean is looking forward to riding this summer when we go to visit. He often pretends Grandpa is driving one of his trucks and drinking coffee. For Christmas, a dear friend bought Bean some truck board books. I can not tell you how many times a day we read these books. The Bean can tell you the name of just about any large machine.

Still not really interested in potty training. We may get serious about it in April when he is two and a half. I really don't want to push it until he's ready, but hope he is potty trained by the time he is three!

Bean is learning letters and sounds and counts to 19, although he doesn't always count in order, he can and does occasionally. I am not pushing these things either, but certainly don't discourage it. I think he learns the most from playing right now.

The last three nights my child actually slept through the night! I don't want to get too excited about, as I know it is most likely random, but at least we have some hope that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, as far as sleep issues go. The Bean is still nursing at nap time, bedtime, and in the morning. I don't see a reason to rush him to stop nursing. I hope I can let him nurse until he chooses to be done, although I think around three years old, I may reconsider this. If we choose to continue with fertility treatments that might be decided for us, but we will see. One day at a time.

Bean is quite a persistent fellow and rather ingenious. If he sees something he wants or something I think I have put out of his reach, he drags his little Elmo chair to where the desired object is and gets it for himself.

He is into everything, makes messes faster than I can pick them up, whines quite a lot, wants to do everything himself and in his own time, but he is a real joy and such a sweet boy. I have heard many people say our children choose us. Maybe that is true. As I rock him to sleep at night, I often think it is I who need him, not the other way around.

My little surfer dude

Bean's first painting 11/30/12

this is hard to comb out, but sooo cute!

Holidays 2012

This year we had a low key Thanksgiving, which was really nice. Sometimes I am amazed at how busy we seem to get. It is good to slow down once in awhile and just chill without much on the schedule. That is what we did over Thanksgiving. We are usually meat free in our house, but had roasted leg of lamb along with the traditional Thanksgiving goodies. Amel, Bean and I spent a nice day at home with a tasty meal. The Bean's Thanksgiving plate went untouched of course, as he will still only eat pureed fruits, veggies and proteins. He does love to eat sweets of any kind, chips, crackers, and occasionally bread sigh...

Amel's mom, Goga (None) and her husband Josko (Nono) came to visit us on December 11. We took a trip up to the Grand Canyon. This was the Bean's first experience with snow. While in the car he said, "I want to touch that snow," and "I am so excited about that snow." However, when we got to the hotel and opened the door he rushed us to get his coat on and said "I don't like it!" We never did touch the snow. He wouldn't even walk on it! He did enjoy wearing gloves though. My favorite part of the trip was asking Bean "Do you see the snow?" and him replying "Yeah, and a see penguin  over there."  Bean decided the train around the tree in the lobby was his and spent a lot of time playing with it. The hotel had a cozy feel with a fire place and Christmas decorations, however don't expect to find good quality food when visiting the Grand Canyon.  On the way back we spent a few hours in Flagstaff; what a great little town!

We got to spend Christmas and New Year's with None and Nono, along with Auntie Aida, who also came to visit for a week. We had some delicious Bosnian food (Pita, Bamia, Crepes, and to name a few) in the company of good friends on Christmas Eve. Our good friends, Chris, Yvette, and Noemi joined us for dinner and an evening of conversation. We continued our tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve. Christmas day we relaxed at home in the morning and got to enjoy seeing the Bean get his "big dump truck" that he was super excited about. He is still talking about how Santa brought him a big dump truck and loves to scoop "dirt" into it and dump it. I was so excited waiting to see the Bean open his gifts I had trouble sleeping.  We had an amazing Christmas dinner with our friends Nadar and Diane. We are really blessed to have such good friends. There was so much food we had leftovers for a week.

We spent four days, including New Year's Eve and day in Las Vegas. Aida treated us to a hotel room. I think the family enjoyed their time in Las Vegas. Bean was impressed with the lights and was fascinated with the painted sky in the Venetian. I wish I had a video of his face when he looked up. He enjoyed watching the live performances in the casino. He also really liked the Gondolas. I assume he doesn't remember seeing the real Venice last summer. Amel and I spent New Year's Eve in the hotel room watching the recording of the ball dropping in New York while the Bean slept. At 11:30 pm, we decided it was New Year's in AZ and we could go to sleep!

We wish all our friends and family a very happy and healthy 2013 and look forward to what the new year brings! I think it is going to be a great year!

How To Deal With Infertility?

Dealing with infertility is extremely difficult and stressful experience for any couple. My husband and I were married in 2006. Our plan was to wait a year to have children to adjust to married life and have a little time alone. However, that year turned into four years. Our precious son was born in 2010. We tried for two and a half, almost three years to get pregnant, then decided to seek help from a fertility specialist.

The doctor recommended that I have a laporoscopy, which is a surgery in which he goes in through one's belly button and a couple other points to check out the fallopian tubes and see what's happening. He discovered I had mild endometriosis. Endometriosis is a condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus grow in other areas of the body, such as the fallopian tubes.

The plan was to start fertility treatments the following month. We were going to try iui (intrauterine insemination) to start with. If that didn't work, we would try ivf (in vitro fertilization). Our insurance would cover one shot, so that would be our one chance, as ivf is very expensive. At this stage in our life, we really wanted to have a child, but were also thinking if we didn't get pregnant we would travel more and not need to worry so much about having a large savings. We knew couples that didn't have children that were happy and had good lives.  The joke was we were either going to get a baby or a BMW.

Lo and behold, we didn't need to start treatment - We were pregnant the month after the laporoscopy! The research shows that having such a surgery results in pregnancy in 1 out of every 12 couples. Was it the surgery or the fact that there was no pressure? I guess we'll never know, but we were ecstatic!

Pregnancy was rough for me. I was extremely nauseous and vomited the whole time. At one point I remember telling Amel we should have gotten that dog we talked about instead. I said we would be "one and done" because there was no way I was going to go through that again. The sickness, the terrible migraines, the insomnia, ugh. I really wanted to punch people who said things like, "oh it is so worth it."

Pregnancy was no walk in the park, but I was excited to meet our little person, making plans, and wondering what he would be like. I knew he would be incredible and I would love being a mother, but I didn't realize how much a parent loves a child or how they change your life forever for the better. It wasn't very long after he was born before I knew I would do it all over a thousand times if I had to, in order to be his mama. It was so worth it. So much so, that I would love to have another baby.

I was anxiously waiting for my period to return so that we could have number two. I thought maybe we would get pregnant right away, as they say you are most fertile right after having a baby. I was really excited when my period returned when Bean was 18 months old. Who would be excited about that? We tried for six months and no baby. I have imagined Bean playing with a little brother, hearing their laughter, helping them learn to settle their squabbles. A little sister would be ok too. I have imagined doing girly things with a daughter, maybe something like a Justin Beiber concert or spa days.

Unfortunately, it seems that this is all it will be - just imagining the possibilities. We went back to the fertility specialist and went through one round of iui unsuccessfully. I know the chance of getting pregnant with iui at my age is low, but I really expected it to work and thought in a few weeks we would get to announce the Bean would be a big brother. Everywhere I look there are women getting pregnant and delivering babies. I am happy for them from the bottom of my heart, but have some depressing thoughts, like why didn't God want me to have another? We have so much love to share.

At the same time the thought of being pregnant and taking care of a toddler is daunting. I didn't realize how upsetting a negative pregnancy test would be. I thought maybe it would be a relief, but that isn't the case. I feel like I have lost something that was never mine.

I am so grateful for my son. Not having a second child does not take away from that in any way. I love him more than life itself and have wondered how it would be possible to love another child as much, but I know that parents somehow do love each child more than they thought imaginable. I also know that there can be many advantages to having only one child - only paying for one college education, not having to divide time between children, being able to afford for the Bean to explore his interests, take classes, or play expensive sports, being able to be near to him when he has children of his own and not missing out on being near another child that might be in a different part of the world. I know there are advantages, I just feel so sad right now. I know it's not something that will last forever, that I just need to grieve and it will be get better and life will be amazing. That is just not my mood at the moment.

We haven't talked to the doctor about what the next step might be, although I am almost positive he would suggest ivf. I think we have decided against ivf. I felt really emotional going through iui and it is not a super intensive procedure, but it has been an emotional roller coaster of a month for me (us). If we chose to go through ivf, it would be much more intense, a lot more drugs/hormones. I would also have to wean Bean from nursing, which I don't want to do. I know he is over two, but nursing is comforting for him and I want him to have the choice to be done when he is ready (within reason). For a woman my age there is less than a thirty percent chance it would work. I think we have decided, at least for the time being, that we don't want to be on an emotional roller coaster or put the whole family through such an experience.

Of course it is still possible we could miraculously get pregnant, or maybe we will change our mind about ivf, but for now, I will allow myself to grieve and surround myself in the love of my husband and son. I realize there are women out there who have not been able to have any children. I know there are bigger problems in the world, like people going to bed hungry tonight or being in war torn countries. My little issue doesn't compare to any of these, I just need to take a little while to throw myself a pity party and I will move on. I know our life will be fantastic no matter what the future holds. I am excited to watch the Bean grow, learn, and explore and share experiences with him and as a family. I realize I am blessed beyond measure.

I have learned some lessons. In Japanese culture it is considered rude to ask people about their marital status or to ask if they have children, or plan to have more. I understand why now. I'm sure people will ask me when we are having number two and when I say we only have one they will be watching to see if he is "spoiled." Personally, I won't be asking people such questions. Not that I will really be bothered or upset by such questions, but I won't be asking them in the future.

I feel for those who have tried unsuccessfully to have children or who have lost pregnancies. I know my situation is mild compared to many others. One thing I do know,  it is important to be grateful, to focus on what you want more of, and to look for the positive and beauty that surrounds us. No matter what 2013 holds, it will be a great year!