Our first child was born in October of 2010. Time is flying by and he is changing so much! This blog is dedicated to documenting all the special moments and milestones we share together as a family.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

3rd Birthday Letter to My Son

My Dear Bean,

Today is your official birthday, but we had your party yesterday. We went to Tumbleweed Park in Chandler and had a construction theme. Nothing else would be appropriate as you love all things construction and anything that has to do with big trucks or machines. Ten of your friends and their families came to celebrate. We played a ring toss game and used a variety of boxes as building blocks that you guys stacked on top of each other and then demolished. I think all the kids had a great time. You were so excited about your party you woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep.

This year has really been fun. Tata and I love watching you grow and develop. At this time last year you were speaking in simple sentences, at three years old you have a large vocabulary and use some complicated words. A lot of your vocabulary centers around construction and machines as you really like to watch "Mighty Machines" and DVD's about construction and big trucks. One of your favorite things is to watch the garbage man when the big truck uses its "garbage arms" to dump the garbage.

Another of your favorite activities is playing with trucks and digging in the sand or in a big pile of beans in the kitchen. We have spent many  hours playing with trucks. You love to pretend to be different characters and tell Tata and I which characters we should be.

You have been involved in a couple of activities this year. We have continued musikgarten classes with your teach Lyn. You were mad at me one day last week and told me you were going to go away to Ms. Lyn's house. You also did a soccer tots class with Tata. About half the time you participated, but now we see you using the skills that you learned in that class.

You really enjoy talking to grown ups and older kids and participating in cooperative activities with kids who are a bit older than you. At play dates you like to talk to the moms more than the kids sometimes. You also like to have an audience to pretend to be a character from one of your construction DVD's. You are quite a character and make us laugh everyday. You prefer a calm environment with fewer people to loud, noisy places. You are also cautious, taking your time before jumping into an activity.

Your sleeping habits have improved. Rather than waking several times during the night, you usually only wake up once, at which point you come into our room and snuggle in between me and Tata. It is usually around 3 or 4 in the morning. There are even some nights where you sleep until morning. Naps seem to be becoming a thing of the past. You haven't taken a nap in over a week. You still nurse when you are going to sleep. I have been telling you that "mama milk" is going away when you turn three. A couple days ago you asked me to lay down with you on the couch and said you wanted mama milk. I reminded you you were almost three and you told me "Mama, I only want to have two candles." The things you say make us laugh everyday. For example you put a toy on your finger and it got stuck. You hid your hand behind your back and told Tata, "Tata, some people put things on their fingers and they are not happy." Then you showed him what was stuck on your finger.

This age is fun and amusing, but also comes with some challenges. You are becoming more independent and would really like to have your own way whenever possible. When you are feeling frustrated you will smack at us and tell us you are hitting us, or make one short scream like "baaaaaa." We try to help you by labeling what you are feeling and encouraging you to use your words rather than hit or scream. You have also said "Mama, do you want me to scream at you - baaaaa." Sometimes these  situations are frustrating for us as parents, but other times, we are really holding back laughter as we watch you go through these learning periods.

Your eating habits have not changed much. You still primarily survive on a sweet potato/chicken baby food meal from a jar and mango packets. Maybe this will be the year you start trying new foods??

You have recently started using the potty. You did great the first couple weeks we started potty training. Then you went through a phase that lasted a couple weeks where you peed on the carpet on purpose! I tried having you clean it yourself, then resorted to giving you M&M's when you went in the potty rather than on the floor. That worked for awhile, then you decided to try peeing on the floor again. When Tata and I told you we would get sick if you kept peeing on the carpet and started pretending to be sick when you did it, you stopped. Some day this will be really funny to look back on, however, I was not laughing for those few weeks!  Even though there are challenges, I enjoy watching how you learn through them and I am always amazed at the wonderful little boy you are.

Next month you will start preschool two days a week. I guess I can no longer call you a baby, or even a toddler, but in my heart you will be my baby forever.

I love you dearly,

Mama

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Interesting Facts About Babies

Fascinating and interesting facts about babies:
  1. While still in mother's womb, seven month old babies can open their eyes and follow light.
  2. Tuesday and Wednesday are two days of the week with the highest birth rate in the US. 
  3. Top three months with the highest birth rate in the US are: August, September, and July. 
  4. Babies born in May weigh 200 grams more than babies born in any other month. 
  5. During first three months, babies can focus on objects only one feet away. This is roughly a distance to the mother's face, while a baby is nursing. 
  6. Most babies will have blue eyes at birth. Permanent eye color develops later. 
  7. Sometimes around 10 weeks after being born, a baby will "decide" if she is left or right handed.
  8. During the first year, baby's brain will double in size. It will double once again after year one.
  9. Adults have 206 bones, while newborns babies have 300 bones. Baby bones later on fuse into each other driving the total number of bones over time towards adult's 206 bones. 
  10. Babies have almost 10,000 taste buds, which is significantly more than in adults. 
  11. Only 20% of babies are born without any birth marks. 
  12. Baby's head is 25% of its body length, while adult's head is only 12.5% of his or her length.
  13. Baby's brain is 10% of its total body weight, while adult's brain is only 2% of his body weight.
  14. The only organ that is fully developed at birth is baby's inner ear. 
  15. Only ten minutes after being born, a baby can detect from where a sound is coming from. 
  16. Babies can recognize their mother's voice on the first day they are born. 
  17. Blind babies smile, so it is clear that smiling is not a copied function; babies are born to smile.
  18. Babies might not be able to produce tears up to first five months of their life. 
  19. Babies can not taste salt until they are 4 months old, which is in line with kidney development.
  20. Newborn's stomach can hold only 3 oz of liquid. 
  21. When they are born, their vision is 400/20. After only six months, baby's vision is usually 20/20.
  22. Newborn's eye is 75% of its adult size. 
  23. Newborn babies are not color blind. They prefer strong primary colors, such as red and blue.
  24. Newborn babies usually urinate every 20 minutes. 
  25. If a human would continue to grow at the first year's growth rate, he or she would be 25 feet tall. 
  26. Babies kneecaps will fully develop full six months after the birth. 
  27. Newborn's heartbeat is usually twice of a normal adult. 
  28. Teething in babies can start as early as 3 months. 
  29. On average, a baby in the US will go through 7,500 diaper per year. 
  30. On average, women change a diaper in 2 minutes, while men complete the job in 1.25 minutes.
  31. Every three second, a baby is born somewhere in the world.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

The Bean At 2 Years And 9 Months

The Bean is now closer to three than two. We just celebrated the 4th of July, although it was so hot, we didn't really do much celebrating. We did go to the pool in the evening. We could hear fireworks in the neighborhood but couldn't actually see any. I showed Bean some fireworks from DisneyWorld on youtube so he could see what the "kaboom sound" was.

This is really an amazing and very challenging age. Bean has a big vocabulary and will talk to anyone who will listen to him. He mostly wants to talk about big machines and construction sites. He loves to watch a kids documentary called Mighty Machines that is all about big machines and the jobs they do. He often quotes his favorite episodes, especially right before falling asleep.

Bean has become an extra exceptionally picky eater. We have a hard time getting him to eat anything other than a chicken/sweet potato baby food or mango packets. He did ask for soup yesterday, which means he wants to eat a sweet potato dahl that I make. The eating issue can be very frustrating.

He still usually takes a good nap for 2-3 hours and sleeps for about 8 hours at night. Sometime between 4 and 7 we can expect to hear Bean's door slam, his little feet shuffle down the hallway, our door slam, and he crawls into our bed. Today he was up at 4:30 for the day. It is near impossible to explain that just because the sun is up, he doesn't have to be. Bean is still nursing when he first wakes up, before nap and bedtime and sometimes after his nap. However, he and Amel were laying in his bed reading a book three nights ago, while I was waiting for Amel to hand him to me in the rocking chair. When Amel stood up, Bean said "No, Tata, lay down with me." I said ok, you can sleep with Tata, quickly gave him a kiss and walked out. Amel stayed with him for about twenty minutes and he actually fell asleep! Neither one of us could believe it. I have been telling him when he is three mama milk is going away. We will see how that goes. About two months ago he told me "Mama, I am always thinking about when can I have your milk." He makes me laugh everyday.

Two weeks ago we started potty training. We told Bean he would just be wearing diapers to sleep. We took three days and stayed at home, just focusing on going potty. The first day we had a few accidents and he pooed in his shorts and on the carpet, but since then all the poo has made it into the potty. When we are at home he rarely has an accident probably partly due to running around with out pants on. He has also done really well when we've been out. As the mama, it is tiring running him to the bathroom all the time and worrying about him touching every part of every public toilet out there, but he is doing a great job. He is getting into the habit of telling us when he has to go when we are out, although he thinks he has to go every time he sees a bathroom. It is funny how proud a parent can feel about her child using the potty.  This morning, I had to go to the bathroom and my shadow followed me in there, as usual. He asked, "Mama, do you have a penis?" I told him no and he said "we'll get you one next time, mama, don't worry." Hearing the way a two year old thinks is priceless.

We are keeping busy this summer, always in search of indoor activities to do. It has been over 110 degrees this past week. Bean went to the movie theatre for the first time to see The Lorax. We have been to the roller rink a couple of times. We have play dates with friends and spend time in the pool. We have been working hard on www.BeansMama.com, which is starting to take off. The summer days seem to go by slowly, but overall the summer is going by quickly.

Bean is currently at Soccer Tots with Amel - his first sports class. The first week, he did well. He could do all the skills and listened to the coach. The second week he didn't want to participate until the very end. He said this week he was going to listen to coach. Hopefully the boys are enjoying their time. Now it is time for me to accomplish something while I am home alone.

a favorite activity

Keeping cool by climbing furniture at the mall

"The Boss" watching Mighty Machines

First time skating with pal, Noemi

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

How Can Busy Mom Get Fit?

Getting fit after pregnancy is a challenging task. Anyone who knows me knows that pre baby, I was in shape and fairly healthy. Since going through pregnancy and having a baby, I have learned a lot more about the food that goes into my body and made changes, like cutting way back on animal protein and sugar, and eating organic whenever possible. However, I have fallen far behind when it comes to exercise. If you had asked me before having a child, I would have said, "no way, it's not possible I won't be exercising on a regular basis." Little did I know how much work and how time consuming it is to take care of a little one. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my "job," but I have decided it is time for this mama to get back into shape!

Before Bean, I practiced yoga three to four times a week and did a lot of walking and occasional hiking. After Bean was born, I still walked a lot with him, but found it difficult to do yoga. Finding a quiet space or time when my boobs or I weren't needed was near impossible. Then there is the issue of having money to spend for a gym membership or yoga classes on one income. Since Bean started walking, taking walks for exercise has become near impossible, as he doesn't want to be confined in the stroller. I still take walks with him and play at the park, but walking a quarter of a mile can take quite a while strolling with a toddler who needs to stop and examine the world around him. Oh, and don't forget, my child didn't sleep more than two hours at a time until he was about two years old. Having energy to exercise has also been an issue. I think that about covers my list of excuses.

For two years, I was able to eat any and everything I wanted. Now that Bean is down to nursing just at nap and bedtime, my body isn't using all those calories it once was to produce milk. Unfortunately, I haven't changed my eating habits, but am doing so now. I am cutting out snacks at night and the bad habit of eating food I try to get Bean to eat that just sits on a plate untouched. I generally eat healthy food, a lot of vegetables and grains and some fruit and occasionally binge on bad stuff. I plan on keeping that practice without too much binging. I am also really trying to cut out processed sugar as much as possible. That is not an easy task, since it is hidden in almost everything. Eating foods that are not processed makes it easier to avoid sugar. My main issue with diet is just cutting back on snacking throughout the day and after getting the Bean to bed. Before Bean I used to eat a healthy breakfast, a small mid-morning snack, lunch, an afternoon snack and a reasonable dinner. I plan to get back to that habit.

The more difficult part is finding time to exercise. You saw my list of excuses. I am now putting those excuses aside and figuring out how to fit exercise into my schedule. I am concerned about not exercising because I have noticed I have become very inflexible and am having some joint pain. I am afraid if I don't get back in shape, I will have some major issues as I age. Exercise has always been my stress reliever. I notice I don't have as much energy as I used to. I think getting into a fitness routine will help with that. Not to mention I don't feel that I look as nice as I used to, which affects how I feel about myself. I don't need to be perfect, but I'd like to fit into and look nice in my clothes.

So, how is a mom without a lot of time supposed to overcome excuses and get in shape? It helps that my husband is supportive. In a recent conversation, he reminded me to set my priorities, put them in writing and post them where I will see them. That simple step has helped a lot. When Bean is napping my first priority is to exercise, followed by house cleaning, then working on my blog. As soon as Bean is asleep, I take 10 or 20 minutes and exercise. I don't check Facebook or make phone calls. I get the exercise done.

Amel is also giving me time in the evening to exercise. He often takes Bean outside for an hour or so to give me some time. This is much appreciated, as I know he is tired when he gets home from work. Today I exercised for twenty minutes and may get a chance to do some yoga this evening. I think I will see real results before long.

I purchased the Beachbody 10-Minute Trainer Workouts and plan to do at least one a day, hopefully two. I also bought a book called 40 Days to Personal Revolution which is a yoga program. By combining the two I hope to reach my goals of getting back to my regular weight, toning up my body, relieving stress, and gaining energy.  My starting weight is 123 lbs. My goal weight is 117. I took some before photos, but I'm not going to post them until the end of my experiment. For the next six weeks I am committed to exercising for 10 minutes six days a week and cutting out snacks. I am hoping for good results and think by writing down my plan I can better stick to it.


Monday, March 25, 2013

Web Site for Moms and Moms-to-be

Over the past several months, Amel and I have been creating a web site - www.beansmama.com. Amel has been building the actual site, while I have been working on content. The purpose of beansmama.com is to be a tool for parents-to-be and new parents. It is basically our journey through parenthood, so of course we will always have new content to add. We hope perspective parents and parents of young children will be able to use our product reviews, find answers to parenting questions, find support and connect to other parents, and locate resources all in one spot rather than spend hours searching for products and resources.

Beansmama.com is certainly a work in progress. We still need to proofread content that we have already published, add more details to the content we already have and add much much more! We hope this site that we are putting so much into will be helpful to many and possibly become a family business for us.

Of course, my friends who are moms are seasoned veterans, but I'd love for friends to share our site with others and help us get the word out. If you have suggestions for product reviews or parenting topics, or want to share parenting resources, I'd love to hear them.

Friday, March 1, 2013

The Bean At 28 Months

Right now we are in the midst of the terrible and terrific twos. As far as the terrible twos go, Bean has decided that everything everywhere we go is his. The last month he has started saying "mine" quite a lot. We went to the Mesa Museum for Youth last week. Bean decided he would like to try grabbing toys from other kids and (very gently) swatting at them if they resisted. When we go to the park, he likes to take other kids toys, especially if they are playing with trucks, but he is not happy if someone wants his toys. When he was younger, I was a little worried that he would get walked on by other children, as he would cry like his heart was broken if another baby took something away from. It was heart breaking for me too. I think he is making up for that now! He is still pretty gentle, but is testing the waters from time to time just like a two year old is supposed to do. We are practicing saying "may I have it please" quite a lot and see some progress. Two weeks ago at the library he grabbed a book from another boy who of course cried. Poor Bean has been talking about it since then saying "I take that book from that boy. He is upset." He says it in a way that makes me think he feels badly about the incident and is going over it again and again. I have learned a lot about brain development since Bean was born. Toddlers brains are not developed enough for them to think and then act. As parents, we may think we have told them over and over again not to do something and they know better, however their impulses are so strong they act immediately. I understand he is not purposely doing things he knows he shouldn't, this stage just requires an extra dose of patience.  I am glad I have the opportunity to guide and teach my son. Being a mom is really an awesome experience, even in the midst of being tired, exhausted and running low on patience.

As for the terrific side of the twos, I am amazed by my son everyday. We are having simple little conversations now. He is quite a chatter box. They say our brains are not developed enough to have conscious memory of events until around 2 1/2 years old. I am curious what memories Bean will recall as his first memories when he is an adult. His memory is like a steel trap! He talks about things that happened before he was speaking, for example he remembers when we went to the hospital due to a mosquito bite that turned into a staph infection and he had to get an antibiotic shot. Last night he reminded me which leg he had the infection in. We have some Sesame Street story books that have a music player that goes along with them. We have been reading and singing these songs before bed. Bean sings the songs during the day and remembers the words, which I often do not.

Some other things I want to remember about 28 months -

Bean's naps have been very random since we had company over the holidays. There is a 50/50 chance he will take a nap. He still needs a nap, but he doesn't want to miss anything and often won't sleep (he has been that way since he was a newborn). I am trying to let go of the frustration I feel when he won't nap. I could definitely use a little time to myself during the day for sanity time and to clean or exercise.

He still eats mainly pureed food. It seems he is more particular than ever. He will eat fish sticks and sun butter and honey sandwiches now. I am looking for recipes that combine veggies and protein into some sort of cake or muffin that I can get him to eat. As for now, we continue to buy baby food to get him to eat veggies, fruit and protein.

Bean still likes Sesame Street, but trucks and big machines are his true love. We spend a lot of time at the construction site in our neighborhood where there is a school being built. Playing with trucks in the sand is a favorite activity. Bob the Builder is still Bean's favorite show, although he is adding some variety, like Super Why and Thomas the Train. He loves to climb and talks daily about how he wants to climb a ladder. He likes to wear oven mits, gloves, or even socks on his hands. These are his work gloves. He has been carrying pillows from one room to another saying he is "working hard." He also likes to kick/throw any kind of ball.

Bean has learned how to hold up two fingers to represent two objects. It was really cute watching him get the hang of that. He is doing well with understanding quantities up to about 5.

The Bean and I spent a fun day at Desert Breeze park today. We road the train and the carousel, played on the equipment, dug in the sand and had a picnic lunch. Although it was a typical day, these moments and memories are very special and I am tucking them away in my heart.



Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Bean at 2 and 1/4 years

January 27, 2013

Squeeze packets of Happy Baby organic mangoes are the main staple of Bean's diet. He eats, or rather sucks down four packets a day on average. Amel says he is eating away his college money... He gets in his Little Tykes car and says he is going to Tarte (Target) to buy mamos. He has always called them mamos, but last night he clearly said mangoes and there is no going back. I had to hold back my tears! Yes, I want him to progress and I know he will eventually say everything clearly, but I will miss these days. Babies grow up too fast!

For the record, Bean still eats mainly purees. We are spending about $200 a month on his food. From 6 months to 12 months I made all his baby food. For awhile he would eat what we were eating as long as I pureed it. Of course, Amel had to take him in the bathroom while I ran the food processor because he was terrified of the loud noise. Actually he still is, but now I tell him I am going to turn it on and he says, "I go to bahroom," and takes himself in there.

Unfortunately, he became very picky and will eat only certain store bought meals. I tried to recreate these meals myself to save some money, but it was not cost effective. I do make a couple of meals that he will eat. He loves sweet potato dahl and I can usually get him to eat split pea soup. Every night I offer him what we are eating and he typically refuses. Then I offer him two choices from food packets or jars to choose from. I do look forward to the day when he will eat what we are eating! Apparently Amel didn't eat regular food until he was four...

I recently introduced Bean to Bob the Builder. We watch episodes on Netflix. Bob the Builder has actually replaced Sesame Street. He still loves Elmo, Super Grover and the gang, but he is very excited about Bob Builder. He loves to dance to the opening song.

Bean is very into playing with trucks, He has two large dump trucks, a back hoe, a skid loader and several small trucks. He has a little man that fits in the larger trucks. We started off calling him "driver man," but Bean looked at him and said "what you name?" and named him "Shirt." Grandpa Baker has a real skid loader that Bean is looking forward to riding this summer when we go to visit. He often pretends Grandpa is driving one of his trucks and drinking coffee. For Christmas, a dear friend bought Bean some truck board books. I can not tell you how many times a day we read these books. The Bean can tell you the name of just about any large machine.

Still not really interested in potty training. We may get serious about it in April when he is two and a half. I really don't want to push it until he's ready, but hope he is potty trained by the time he is three!

Bean is learning letters and sounds and counts to 19, although he doesn't always count in order, he can and does occasionally. I am not pushing these things either, but certainly don't discourage it. I think he learns the most from playing right now.

The last three nights my child actually slept through the night! I don't want to get too excited about, as I know it is most likely random, but at least we have some hope that maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, as far as sleep issues go. The Bean is still nursing at nap time, bedtime, and in the morning. I don't see a reason to rush him to stop nursing. I hope I can let him nurse until he chooses to be done, although I think around three years old, I may reconsider this. If we choose to continue with fertility treatments that might be decided for us, but we will see. One day at a time.

Bean is quite a persistent fellow and rather ingenious. If he sees something he wants or something I think I have put out of his reach, he drags his little Elmo chair to where the desired object is and gets it for himself.

He is into everything, makes messes faster than I can pick them up, whines quite a lot, wants to do everything himself and in his own time, but he is a real joy and such a sweet boy. I have heard many people say our children choose us. Maybe that is true. As I rock him to sleep at night, I often think it is I who need him, not the other way around.

My little surfer dude

Bean's first painting 11/30/12

this is hard to comb out, but sooo cute!


Sunday, January 6, 2013

Holidays 2012

This year we had a low key Thanksgiving, which was really nice. Sometimes I am amazed at how busy we seem to get. It is good to slow down once in awhile and just chill without much on the schedule. That is what we did over Thanksgiving. We are usually meat free in our house, but had roasted leg of lamb along with the traditional Thanksgiving goodies. Amel, Bean and I spent a nice day at home with a tasty meal. The Bean's Thanksgiving plate went untouched of course, as he will still only eat pureed fruits, veggies and proteins. He does love to eat sweets of any kind, chips, crackers, and occasionally bread sigh...


Amel's mom, Goga (None) and her husband Josko (Nono) came to visit us on December 11. We took a trip up to the Grand Canyon. This was the Bean's first experience with snow. While in the car he said, "I want to touch that snow," and "I am so excited about that snow." However, when we got to the hotel and opened the door he rushed us to get his coat on and said "I don't like it!" We never did touch the snow. He wouldn't even walk on it! He did enjoy wearing gloves though. My favorite part of the trip was asking Bean "Do you see the snow?" and him replying "Yeah, and a see penguin  over there."  Bean decided the train around the tree in the lobby was his and spent a lot of time playing with it. The hotel had a cozy feel with a fire place and Christmas decorations, however don't expect to find good quality food when visiting the Grand Canyon.  On the way back we spent a few hours in Flagstaff; what a great little town!




We got to spend Christmas and New Year's with None and Nono, along with Auntie Aida, who also came to visit for a week. We had some delicious Bosnian food (Pita, Bamia, Crepes, and to name a few) in the company of good friends on Christmas Eve. Our good friends, Chris, Yvette, and Noemi joined us for dinner and an evening of conversation. We continued our tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve. Christmas day we relaxed at home in the morning and got to enjoy seeing the Bean get his "big dump truck" that he was super excited about. He is still talking about how Santa brought him a big dump truck and loves to scoop "dirt" into it and dump it. I was so excited waiting to see the Bean open his gifts I had trouble sleeping.  We had an amazing Christmas dinner with our friends Nadar and Diane. We are really blessed to have such good friends. There was so much food we had leftovers for a week.


We spent four days, including New Year's Eve and day in Las Vegas. Aida treated us to a hotel room. I think the family enjoyed their time in Las Vegas. Bean was impressed with the lights and was fascinated with the painted sky in the Venetian. I wish I had a video of his face when he looked up. He enjoyed watching the live performances in the casino. He also really liked the Gondolas. I assume he doesn't remember seeing the real Venice last summer. Amel and I spent New Year's Eve in the hotel room watching the recording of the ball dropping in New York while the Bean slept. At 11:30 pm, we decided it was New Year's in AZ and we could go to sleep!



We wish all our friends and family a very happy and healthy 2013 and look forward to what the new year brings! I think it is going to be a great year!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

How To Deal With Infertility?

Dealing with infertility is extremely difficult and stressful experience for any couple. My husband and I were married in 2006. Our plan was to wait a year to have children to adjust to married life and have a little time alone. However, that year turned into four years. Our precious son was born in 2010. We tried for two and a half, almost three years to get pregnant, then decided to seek help from a fertility specialist.

The doctor recommended that I have a laporoscopy, which is a surgery in which he goes in through one's belly button and a couple other points to check out the fallopian tubes and see what's happening. He discovered I had mild endometriosis. Endometriosis is a condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus grow in other areas of the body, such as the fallopian tubes.

The plan was to start fertility treatments the following month. We were going to try iui (intrauterine insemination) to start with. If that didn't work, we would try ivf (in vitro fertilization). Our insurance would cover one shot, so that would be our one chance, as ivf is very expensive. At this stage in our life, we really wanted to have a child, but were also thinking if we didn't get pregnant we would travel more and not need to worry so much about having a large savings. We knew couples that didn't have children that were happy and had good lives.  The joke was we were either going to get a baby or a BMW.

Lo and behold, we didn't need to start treatment - We were pregnant the month after the laporoscopy! The research shows that having such a surgery results in pregnancy in 1 out of every 12 couples. Was it the surgery or the fact that there was no pressure? I guess we'll never know, but we were ecstatic!

Pregnancy was rough for me. I was extremely nauseous and vomited the whole time. At one point I remember telling Amel we should have gotten that dog we talked about instead. I said we would be "one and done" because there was no way I was going to go through that again. The sickness, the terrible migraines, the insomnia, ugh. I really wanted to punch people who said things like, "oh it is so worth it."

Pregnancy was no walk in the park, but I was excited to meet our little person, making plans, and wondering what he would be like. I knew he would be incredible and I would love being a mother, but I didn't realize how much a parent loves a child or how they change your life forever for the better. It wasn't very long after he was born before I knew I would do it all over a thousand times if I had to, in order to be his mama. It was so worth it. So much so, that I would love to have another baby.

I was anxiously waiting for my period to return so that we could have number two. I thought maybe we would get pregnant right away, as they say you are most fertile right after having a baby. I was really excited when my period returned when Bean was 18 months old. Who would be excited about that? We tried for six months and no baby. I have imagined Bean playing with a little brother, hearing their laughter, helping them learn to settle their squabbles. A little sister would be ok too. I have imagined doing girly things with a daughter, maybe something like a Justin Beiber concert or spa days.

Unfortunately, it seems that this is all it will be - just imagining the possibilities. We went back to the fertility specialist and went through one round of iui unsuccessfully. I know the chance of getting pregnant with iui at my age is low, but I really expected it to work and thought in a few weeks we would get to announce the Bean would be a big brother. Everywhere I look there are women getting pregnant and delivering babies. I am happy for them from the bottom of my heart, but have some depressing thoughts, like why didn't God want me to have another? We have so much love to share.

At the same time the thought of being pregnant and taking care of a toddler is daunting. I didn't realize how upsetting a negative pregnancy test would be. I thought maybe it would be a relief, but that isn't the case. I feel like I have lost something that was never mine.

I am so grateful for my son. Not having a second child does not take away from that in any way. I love him more than life itself and have wondered how it would be possible to love another child as much, but I know that parents somehow do love each child more than they thought imaginable. I also know that there can be many advantages to having only one child - only paying for one college education, not having to divide time between children, being able to afford for the Bean to explore his interests, take classes, or play expensive sports, being able to be near to him when he has children of his own and not missing out on being near another child that might be in a different part of the world. I know there are advantages, I just feel so sad right now. I know it's not something that will last forever, that I just need to grieve and it will be get better and life will be amazing. That is just not my mood at the moment.

We haven't talked to the doctor about what the next step might be, although I am almost positive he would suggest ivf. I think we have decided against ivf. I felt really emotional going through iui and it is not a super intensive procedure, but it has been an emotional roller coaster of a month for me (us). If we chose to go through ivf, it would be much more intense, a lot more drugs/hormones. I would also have to wean Bean from nursing, which I don't want to do. I know he is over two, but nursing is comforting for him and I want him to have the choice to be done when he is ready (within reason). For a woman my age there is less than a thirty percent chance it would work. I think we have decided, at least for the time being, that we don't want to be on an emotional roller coaster or put the whole family through such an experience.

Of course it is still possible we could miraculously get pregnant, or maybe we will change our mind about ivf, but for now, I will allow myself to grieve and surround myself in the love of my husband and son. I realize there are women out there who have not been able to have any children. I know there are bigger problems in the world, like people going to bed hungry tonight or being in war torn countries. My little issue doesn't compare to any of these, I just need to take a little while to throw myself a pity party and I will move on. I know our life will be fantastic no matter what the future holds. I am excited to watch the Bean grow, learn, and explore and share experiences with him and as a family. I realize I am blessed beyond measure.

I have learned some lessons. In Japanese culture it is considered rude to ask people about their marital status or to ask if they have children, or plan to have more. I understand why now. I'm sure people will ask me when we are having number two and when I say we only have one they will be watching to see if he is "spoiled." Personally, I won't be asking people such questions. Not that I will really be bothered or upset by such questions, but I won't be asking them in the future.

I feel for those who have tried unsuccessfully to have children or who have lost pregnancies. I know my situation is mild compared to many others. One thing I do know,  it is important to be grateful, to focus on what you want more of, and to look for the positive and beauty that surrounds us. No matter what 2013 holds, it will be a great year!