Dealing with infertility is extremely difficult and stressful experience for any couple. My husband and I were married in 2006. Our plan was to wait a year to have children to adjust to married life and have a little time alone. However, that year turned into four years. Our precious son was born in 2010. We tried for two and a half, almost three years to get pregnant, then decided to seek help from a fertility specialist.
The doctor recommended that I have a laporoscopy, which is a surgery in which he goes in through one's belly button and a couple other points to check out the fallopian tubes and see what's happening. He discovered I had mild endometriosis. Endometriosis is a condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus grow in other areas of the body, such as the fallopian tubes.
The plan was to start fertility treatments the following month. We were going to try iui (intrauterine insemination) to start with. If that didn't work, we would try ivf (in vitro fertilization). Our insurance would cover one shot, so that would be our one chance, as ivf is very expensive. At this stage in our life, we really wanted to have a child, but were also thinking if we didn't get pregnant we would travel more and not need to worry so much about having a large savings. We knew couples that didn't have children that were happy and had good lives. The joke was we were either going to get a baby or a BMW.
Lo and behold, we didn't need to start treatment - We were pregnant the month after the laporoscopy! The research shows that having such a surgery results in pregnancy in 1 out of every 12 couples. Was it the surgery or the fact that there was no pressure? I guess we'll never know, but we were ecstatic!
Pregnancy was rough for me. I was extremely nauseous and vomited the whole time. At one point I remember telling Amel we should have gotten that dog we talked about instead. I said we would be "one and done" because there was no way I was going to go through that again. The sickness, the terrible migraines, the insomnia, ugh. I really wanted to punch people who said things like, "oh it is so worth it."
Pregnancy was no walk in the park, but I was excited to meet our little person, making plans, and wondering what he would be like. I knew he would be incredible and I would love being a mother, but I didn't realize how much a parent loves a child or how they change your life forever for the better. It wasn't very long after he was born before I knew I would do it all over a thousand times if I had to, in order to be his mama. It was so worth it. So much so, that I would love to have another baby.
I was anxiously waiting for my period to return so that we could have number two. I thought maybe we would get pregnant right away, as they say you are most fertile right after having a baby. I was really excited when my period returned when Bean was 18 months old. Who would be excited about that? We tried for six months and no baby. I have imagined Bean playing with a little brother, hearing their laughter, helping them learn to settle their squabbles. A little sister would be ok too. I have imagined doing girly things with a daughter, maybe something like a Justin Beiber concert or spa days.
Unfortunately, it seems that this is all it will be - just imagining the possibilities. We went back to the fertility specialist and went through one round of iui unsuccessfully. I know the chance of getting pregnant with iui at my age is low, but I really expected it to work and thought in a few weeks we would get to announce the Bean would be a big brother. Everywhere I look there are women getting pregnant and delivering babies. I am happy for them from the bottom of my heart, but have some depressing thoughts, like why didn't God want me to have another? We have so much love to share.
At the same time the thought of being pregnant and taking care of a toddler is daunting. I didn't realize how upsetting a negative pregnancy test would be. I thought maybe it would be a relief, but that isn't the case. I feel like I have lost something that was never mine.
I am so grateful for my son. Not having a second child does not take away from that in any way. I love him more than life itself and have wondered how it would be possible to love another child as much, but I know that parents somehow do love each child more than they thought imaginable. I also know that there can be many advantages to having only one child - only paying for one college education, not having to divide time between children, being able to afford for the Bean to explore his interests, take classes, or play expensive sports, being able to be near to him when he has children of his own and not missing out on being near another child that might be in a different part of the world. I know there are advantages, I just feel so sad right now. I know it's not something that will last forever, that I just need to grieve and it will be get better and life will be amazing. That is just not my mood at the moment.
We haven't talked to the doctor about what the next step might be, although I am almost positive he would suggest ivf. I think we have decided against ivf. I felt really emotional going through iui and it is not a super intensive procedure, but it has been an emotional roller coaster of a month for me (us). If we chose to go through ivf, it would be much more intense, a lot more drugs/hormones. I would also have to wean Bean from nursing, which I don't want to do. I know he is over two, but nursing is comforting for him and I want him to have the choice to be done when he is ready (within reason). For a woman my age there is less than a thirty percent chance it would work. I think we have decided, at least for the time being, that we don't want to be on an emotional roller coaster or put the whole family through such an experience.
Of course it is still possible we could miraculously get pregnant, or maybe we will change our mind about ivf, but for now, I will allow myself to grieve and surround myself in the love of my husband and son. I realize there are women out there who have not been able to have any children. I know there are bigger problems in the world, like people going to bed hungry tonight or being in war torn countries. My little issue doesn't compare to any of these, I just need to take a little while to throw myself a pity party and I will move on. I know our life will be fantastic no matter what the future holds. I am excited to watch the Bean grow, learn, and explore and share experiences with him and as a family. I realize I am blessed beyond measure.
I have learned some lessons. In Japanese culture it is considered rude to ask people about their marital status or to ask if they have children, or plan to have more. I understand why now. I'm sure people will ask me when we are having number two and when I say we only have one they will be watching to see if he is "spoiled." Personally, I won't be asking people such questions. Not that I will really be bothered or upset by such questions, but I won't be asking them in the future.
I feel for those who have tried unsuccessfully to have children or who have lost pregnancies. I know my situation is mild compared to many others. One thing I do know, it is important to be grateful, to focus on what you want more of, and to look for the positive and beauty that surrounds us. No matter what 2013 holds, it will be a great year!
